Wasting away in the Review Room

Yes, I'm still searching for my lost shaker of salt. Oh yeah, and my referral.

News from the front is that we've been skipped again. But take heart, dear friends -- this time, it's not just us but our WHOLE AGENCY! Apparently CCAA could only match through 11/7 this time, and our agency doesn't have folks logged in until 11/8. Wouldn'tcha know it?

So it's July at the earliest, and at this point, I have to stop holding my breath.

So we're living large in Whoville. I booked a girls-only beach vacation. In a true testament to my lousy mental state (BUT NO, I do NOT take medication for it, in case the CCAA is watching), I plan to board a plane with the Two Whos (mind you, their collective age is only 7) and travel hours to the sand and surf of New England. Solo.

I'm using carefully hoarded vacation time (score one point for me), even more precious $$$ (ka-ching!) and getting out of Dodge! (You hear that, folks? Send me a referral when I have no paid time off and less money to pay the final adoption expenses. Test me!)

And to sweeten the pot, I get to go out of town for SIX WHOLE DAYS the last week of July for work. That's just a couple of weeks or less before the July referral folks will be traveling to China, most likely. KARMA! At this point, it wouldn't surprise me at all.

But I'm trying to hunker down and prepare for a longer haul. On the bright side, at this rate, the girls will be able to do all the feeding and diapering!

I'm off to margaritaville now, where the sun is hot, the sand is white and the little umbrella in my drink has a pointy edge I just might poke myself with.

T minus two weeks?

Sometime in the next couple of weeks, our lives will be out of limbo. Either we'll get a referral call or we'll be stuck in the line from hell for another 18 months (or more!!!). Howzat, you ask?

Our agency heard back from CCAA, which said they've changed their policy -- unbeknownst to our agency or, apparently, to a bunch of others. Families going off hold now won't get a referral in the next couple of batches as in the past, they told our agency -- instead, they'll get moved to the matching room with whatever group from that agency is moving next, then sit and gather dust until that group comes due for referrals. For us, that means we'd be lumped in with the April '06 folks.

Now, no offense to the April '06 folks. You're a lovely bunch of people. But we started this journey in September 2005, when the wait was 6 months or less. We DO NOT WANT TO WAIT another 18 months, or more, to see baby sister's face.

We're getting older. Our girls would be nearly in kindergarten before baby sister arrived at that rate.

Our agency says they've appealed to CCAA, and they've been told CCAA will "try" to match us with the next group. But there's no guarantee. And when I asked if we aren't in the next batch, do we appeal again, I got silence -- like it's one or the other.

It's taking every bit of restraint I have not to be mad as hell right now. In my profession, we have a duty to get to the bottom of things -- to the truth. So we ask hard questions. WHEN did this policy take effect? WHY wasn't my agency told -- or others, as it seems. And -- here's the big one -- HOW do you explain the fact that people with other agencies who went off hold AFTER we did HAVE THEIR REFERRALS? Why is the "policy change" affecting us (and another family from our agency) but not those people?

I don't begrudge those folks their babies one iota. Godspeed to them -- get those angels home. But I do want to know why we are being told one thing when it's obvious from the DTC groups and referral postings that this is not being applied consistently.

I've always said adoption is the biggest leap of faith you'll ever take. I believe that with all my heart. And this is testing my faith to the extreme. I pray I have peace over whatever we hear from our agency in the next couple of weeks. And I pray they will not give up the fight if we're skipped again this time, that I put my faith in the right agency when things got tough.

Mostly, I pray for the right words to answer DD#1 when she asks, daily, "Where's baby sister?"

Bumming Out

The stork passed our house by when he flew in from China today. No one at our agency can tell us when we'll be included, because CCAA won't say. They promised to advocate for us as soon as CCAA gets back to work next week. I'm not holding my breath that it'll do much good.

I'd tried to prepare myself for no news this time around. Thought I'd done an OK job, until I got the official word. Then I blubbered like a 3-year-old all afternoon. Nothing like letting the worker bees see management bawling and snuffling to get the tongues a-waggin'!

I think it wouldn't be so hard to be skipped this time if we had ANY CLUE as to when we WILL be up for a referral. But apparently, that's a secret being guarded like Fort Knox. And I really don't want to ride the rollercoaster with each referral batch (the only rollercoaster I ever rode, besides the mini-tree topper at Opryland in my misguided youth, was Space Mountain at DisneyWorld. I got whiplash. Never again!). So I may just have to go into a 12-step program for Internet junkies, banning all rumor sites and other groups.

Good luck with that, right?

But to all those whose stork laid a baby in their arms instead of a pile of doo, hearty congratulations. I know it's been a long time coming, and seeing those precious faces in time for Mother's Day is something you'll never forget.

Off to my wine-soothing pity party now. Sleep tight!